Just did my healing room meditation (https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1-d&q=healing+room+meditation#fpstate=ive&vld=cid:385970a2,vid:V28FYUOpcI0). This time my mom came to my mind. Three memories came to the forefront. One was when Oregon State beat Notre Dame in the Fiesta Bowl. Specifically a party that I think took place after the game. At this party my mom really let her hair down. While dancing they dropped balloons on everybody. People started stomping on the balloons to make them pop. My brother Tom, wife Paula, and I joined in, then my mom did too. She had the look of pure joy on her face as she stomped. I’d never seen my mom exhibit so much joy as when we were stomping those balloons.
The second memory I had was of when I’d threatened a local musician on a message board and she found out about it. I was manic at the time, so my threatening someone was just par for the behavior I’d been exhibiting. But the person I’d threatened had called the Multnomah County Sheriff and reported the threat. When she heard this my mom’s face went stone cold like an ancient glacier. She didn’t really say much of anything. I assured her that me and this local musician had patched things up, so there wasn’t really any reason she needed to know about the incident. But that look on her face, like she had no idea of who I was or what I was capable of. I’d never had my depression number jump up so fast. But of course this didn’t last because I rode the expressway to the top of the towering inferno. I was as pissed as I’ve ever been that she had found out about it when there was no need for her to know what had happened. Anger turned to mania and I was off to ride the roller coaster one more time. The trip to mania being unnecessary just fueled my anger which fed the mania to -heights I don’t think I’ve ever experienced. The mania eventually burnt out, but not I could hurt myself and others several times. All in all i was the worst mania in my life. And all the fallout and event itself will forever be associated with my mom’s glacial silence.
The third memory came after my dad had died. Paula, my mom, and myself were sitting together and a moment of pregnant silence began. I could see on my mother’s face that she was getting emotional. She broke the silence by declaring, “I will not cry.” And then you could see on her face her cramping down on her emotions and steeling herself against her feelings. I wanted to go hug her and tell her it would be alright if she cried, but I guess I chickened out. Shortly there after we started small talking again, but that look on her face of forcing herself not to cry is something I will always remember.
As you can probably guess I won’t forget this healing room session any time soon, if ever. The point of the healing room is to heal yourself. I guess I have to take a long term view and see this session as a stepping tone to actual healing. Time will tell if that’s the case.